I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
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