Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
