on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
