If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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