For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
