Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
