so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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