in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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