I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
