the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
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