Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
