dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
