I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I miss vodka workout Fridays
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Randomize
