im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Randomize
