you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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