sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Randomize
