Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
