is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
