dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
