Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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