i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
