It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
