Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
