my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
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I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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