i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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