My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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