When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
