You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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