My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
