She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I have demons in me.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
