I wish I could punch you in the face.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Randomize
