just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Randomize
