I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
And my parents said I crawled through the house
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
