they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
