I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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