Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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