someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
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