i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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