Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
please come you make the beer taste better
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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