I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
