I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
