I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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