So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
