I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
