Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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