I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
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