Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
