but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
