Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
