can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
