hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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