I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
