I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
