This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.