I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
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I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
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there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this