obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
