textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.