whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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