this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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