I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
